Clothes, chocolates, gifts – nothing satisfied Akaash. Ungrateful, resentful child.
Yesterday, I offered left-over pastry. He glared!
‘What the hell do you want????!!!’ I screamed, frustrated.
He replied quietly – ‘My mother. Please send her home? Tomorrow’s my exam’.
Behind me, Kanthabai waited nervously.
Both, pleading in silence.
‘Go!’ I whispered.
For the first time, Akaash smiled.
Writer-z-block 
66 replies on “The boy who never smiled – 55-er / fiction”
oops sorry I didnt get it… where is a Aakash and whom is he talking to here??
Tavish, I edited the post, please can you read and tell me if its clearer now? Thx 🙂
aaaha… i get it now… the ‘I’ was a confusion earlier… now its clear… good one Pal…. 🙂
good one Pal…………….. loved it……………
Touching.. well written Pals 🙂
very well written
OG, Pixie, Monu: Thank u so much!
OG: Good to see you back at my blog!
Monu: Great to see you back in action 😛
Good one Pal !!! 🙂
But seems to be quite distracting as to who is “I” and why is Kanthabai waiting expectantly ???
A maid and her employer 😉
Absolutely right, Swar! See, now I replied 😉 😉
Who says “Go” – the mother or Kanthabai ??? If its Kanthabai, then why she shld wait expectantly ??? If its the mother, it shld be “come here to me” !!!
Pal, explain. 🙂
Uma,
Guess this post needs some editing, to make it clear… sorry 🙂
I / narrator: Employer at whose place Kanthabai works
Kanthabai: Servant-maid waiting inside the house, expectantly, for my assent
Akaash: Kanthabai’s son
🙂
Nice, Pal.
Thanks, Batul 🙂
Sorry, Pal, who is Kanthabai, is she his mother?
Yeah, Sandhya. Kanthabai is the mother of Akaash.
I got it Pal 🙂 and loved it!
@ others – “I” is the woman at whose place Kanthabai works as a maid and Aakash is Kanthabai’s son 🙂
Absolutely right, Debs!!
Very nice
Thank you, Prats. And congrats on achieving your milestone of being ‘published’ 🙂 Read your article, but couldn’t reply immediately…will do it today 🙂
Very nice thought. But kinda confusing the way you wrote it.
If both Aakash and Kanthabai are at “I”‘s place, why’d he say “Please send her home”? :d I think thta’s whats confusing ppl.
He should ideally have said “My mother. please let her come home with me now. Tomorrow is my exam.” or something like that 😀 😀
Yeah….yeah…my point too…
Ok Ok let me go edit this right away 🙂
@ Priya and Uma : But thats how kids usually speak na? He is a kid not a pass out of Oxford 😀 😀 😀 I thought it was so natural for Aakash to speak that way.
LOL!!
😆 I think you and me too speak that way and Oxford is mighty pleased about not having us on it’s roll 🙄
😆 😆
Beautiful Pal! Sooo touching 🙂
Nice one pallo 🙂 but I was also confused like the others. Then I read the comments and understood 😀
Wow, Pal . I kinda didnt get it in the first read. Really well written !
But I must admit, stupid Aakas. No mother at home; he should be happy playing and not worrying about exams ! 😀 😀 😀
ROFL @ ‘Stupid Aakas’ 😀 😛
Oh, I read the new version now. Guess you edited it after I left the previous comment.
Honestly, didnt like the new version; this was more like spoon feeding 😀 😀 😀 But then, you cant satisfy everyone all the time 😛 😛
Sigh!!! I don’t like the new version either, Vimmu. But how will my readers understand then 😦 Let me go back and see if its possible to strike a balance! Thanks, buddy! I was actually very happy to see that you didn’t like the new version much 🙂
There, went back and made slight changes… hope this is somewhere mid-way 🙂
Yup !! It is ! 🙂 Poor you, went through a lot of efforts; I know how difficult it is to edit a 55-er 😀 😀 😀 😀
Sigh! Glad someone realises 😉
LOL ya 😛 I understood the first one well and ws wondering what ws confusing 😛
I think 55-3r shudn’t spoon-feed too much too 😉 😉
I do too 😛
Sigh! I c Pal hs not replied to my comment above 😦 *sob* *sob*
Packing troubles 😉
Oh, I didn’t reply? Sorry dahling!! I thought I did.
But now you girls have confused me already! I don’t even remember Ver.1.0 now to revert back to that 😦 😦
Is there any chance I can get to see the old version? coz I have a vimmusical feeling that I might love that one 😉
I loved it! So true and so touching
Thank you, Ritu! This is fiction, ofcourse, but based on reality back home in India!
Touching and thoughtful 55 er!! 🙂
And the comments made for an interesting read too! 🙂
Shilpa – Thank you Yeah, the comments made me re-work the piece THRICE already!! And looks like there will be more editions in the near future
Now, it is interesting, Pal. Good one.
Thanks, Sandhya. This is the first time I’ve edited/tweaked/re-worked something so quickly 😉
Pallu, it is really a shame
your and my intelligence you compare as the same
we have only you to blame
how can Kanthabai’s son have akaash as his name?
🙂 Therein hangs a tale.
LOL! Why ever not, PRG? The maid back home in Chennai – her son’s name is Aakaas 🙂
Nice attempt!
Lovely 55-er Pal !! Loved the little desperation. Couldn’t read the previous versions (as per the comments)
but this version was pretty clear for me !!
Sweet one 🙂
And you well brought out the longing and the need the child had.
Reema, Parul, Shas – Thank you so much for your kind words 🙂
A perfect 55-er. Says so much in so few words. Nice work, Pal.
Sorry I was away for a while! And interesting… But somehow I’m unsure if the employer is cruel or not!
very nice Pal.. just loved it 🙂 🙂
Painted a real picture..
thats a powerful write…
well written
I hope now that you are going to be in Chennai for the vacation, you will spend enough time with the Maid Mandal so that your thirst for a maid is quenched a bit
Well written and it’s a miracle I did get the story line in the very first attempt 😛
Beautifully written. Brilliant.
Thank you for editing Pal, I too hadn’t got it in my first visit 😀 😀
Now it makes wonderful sense 😀 😀
Cheers!!
The advantage of coming in late is everything is sorted out…. now this version was very clear only after reading the comments came to know about the kunfusion 😀 ….
55 Fictions should be little open for interpretations isn’t it 😛
Thank you so much, folks. Apologies for not writing individual replies.. Chennai is just so busy!!!
I blame it on myself I jsut dont get it .. and also why would you change it .. I think the readers shud try to understand what you wrote.. maybe you shud have written a new one rather then changing that way it would have been obvious what changes you have made …
the boy is askeing you the narrator to send his mother home cause he has a exam tomorrow .. does that mean he has come to you to let her mum go off work EARLY…
if thats the case then you surly are a good hearted person letting the mum go early bless you.. I hope akaash managed to pass the exams now 🙂
I normally hardly ever edit, but this 55-er has made me think and re-think….phew… But thank you for taking the time to understand the narrator’s predicament..she was a simple, normal lady of the house, and Kanthabai was her maid. And I guess when she realised the reason for the boy being so surly (that what he really wanted was not gifts but his mother..), it felt like a blow!
Beautiful and sublime, as always!
Your “Go” was gift for both of them…”Mother” for Aakash and Aakash’s smile for Kanthabai!
-Gorakh Nath.
Thank you so much, GN.. made my day…
Good one!!