Categories
Humour Incidents

The ‘cleaning lady’

Friends have long been advising me to get someone to clean the house. Now I am not quite sure if they felt sorry for me, or if they were simply hinting that the house looked worse than a ‘badly maintained’ pig-sty!

Btw, the only other time I had tried having someone to clean, was when this Iranian woman (I think) was recommended by the building porter! Well, one look at her, and you would think she owned this entire apartment complex. Great clothes, nice handbag, stunning glasses.. she looked picture perfect.. sigh!!!! (Guys, don’t even think of it, she is married, and has 4 kids)

After that encounter, I resolved two things
(1) To get myself some smart clothes (which by the way, I have still not managed to do!)
and
(2) To never call her again, for fear of an increasing inferiority complex 😉 😉 (which I HAVE managed to do 🙂 )

So, now you see why I am so nervous about meeting ‘cleaning ladies’ (as they are called by my friends!).

Recently, when a friend ‘firmly insisted’ that I try outsourcing the cleaning, I chose to ignore the growing anxiety pangs and increased heart rate, and give this one a chance.

First, this girl sent me ‘missed calls’. A typical Indian trait :-)) When I returned her call, she very briefly asked me to ‘text my post code!’ Wooa! This one seemed uber-cool.

At the appointed time, the door bell rang. It was not her, naturally. With all due respect to ‘Indian standard time’, she was here half hour late. No apology, ofcourse. We don’t believe in such formalities, do we?

I heard her voice through the intercom. She simply announced her name. Sounded extremely young. The sound of her heels doing a confident clickety-clack on the floor impressed me immensely. (Psst… this is something I’ve dreamed of doing for a long time now. Brr.. not cleaning, but wearing high-heels that go ‘tap tap tap’ on a shiny floor! Sigh! Some day… ) But I digress…

Finally, a confident knock on my front door. As I opened it, I saw this rather haep young 20-something standing in front of me. Dressed in black. Smart summer jacket. Impressive calf-length leather boots. Stylish over-sized cooling glasses. Huge shiny handbag! Very much the accessories I had described here in this old post. (Guys, jaws closed, please!)

And then came the BIIIIIIIGGGGG surprise.

‘Heyyllow P baeeeen! Kyaa mein aundar aaaoounnn?’

??!!!!

Oh yes, my friend did mention she was from Gujarat!

Two hours of work later, the apartment was spic and span, my Hindi a wee bit improved, and her Inglis pretty much like my Hindi!

But I was happy!

So, after nearly six long years, I have finally decided to hire a maid (psst.. one hour every two weeks) !! Yippee!

Categories
Humour Incidents Thought and Reason

Five steps to looking HAEP and KHEWL

Five easy steps for a woman to look haaeeeep and kheeeewl.

1- Wear a pair of oversized sun-glasses

glassI had a severe eye infection about 10 days ago, and I was forced to borrow a pair of over-sized sun glasses from a neighbour, and I must say, I looked quite different! Was impressed myself, and I knew others were too, as people gave me THE look, you know! (Atleast, they didn’t drop any coins into my hands, so I assume it was all for good 😉 ) Anyway, so, you go, find that pair and make sure you wear it on at all times…when you are waiting for the bus or train, when you are paying your bill at the till. And wear it especially during window-shopping…then nobody will think you are a kanjoos-makhichoos! They will probably think you are a film-star or something, and will start hoping that you actually peep into their store! He he! So wear it at all times, even when it is raining 😉

2- Find an oversized handbag

Gone are the days of mid-sized handbags, into which we pushed that bulging mulberry-bayswater-metalliccoin-purse, dried compact, broken Lakme lipstick, army-transmitter-sized mobile, etc. You must find one really large, oversized handbag, into which you can dump just about anything you see or like (Just not a poodle). And voila! Now your bag can hold loads of useless things, like er..er..say, a wallet with expired credit cards and ex-visiting cards (you know, the ones you managed to have printed before you were kicked out of your job), a dirty nail file from which flakes drop down like snow, the hair straightener that almost burnt your hair(!!), crappy romantic novel, electronic Sudoku that you never attempt, I-Pod ofcourse, etc. etc. Talking of which, I came across this interesting article on the internet. P.S: The more outrageous the colour, the better! Like say, replace that boring maroon with a disgustingly vibrant purple or mustard (a very dignified term for something that is crap, er, literally!) or a bag with a metallic finish or something on those lines. Get the drift?

Remember, you have to get the bag (and other accessories) do the talking! Or else you will, and that would be a disaster 😉

3- CC or TT outfit

shirtWondering what this is? Its either a crisp cotton shirt (My personal favourite would be white!) or tight T-shirts with tiny sleeves (in those days, the tailor down the street used to call this Mega-Sleeves… I wonder why, as they were not Mega in any way! Or did he mean the arms? Eughhh…!) tee

Anyway, both of these outfits will give that uber-cool look. Guaranteed! Definitely not loose, roomy clothes. The fit has to be ‘just right’. And with an outfit like this, you just cannot go wrong! (Images: Courtesy karenmiller dot com)

4- Accessorize

SPL31947_008For heaven’s sake, get rid of those ‘matching-matching kalar-kalar yearrings’. Gone are the days of wearing colourful mid-sized earrings to match the dress! These days, you either stick to an elegant Solitaire (yeah, just look at Ash Rai Bach) or classy chandelier or glass/bead earrings.

Again, depending on your outfit, you might need a nice long glass bead chain, that reaches all the way till your waist (even if you don’t have one..er..the waist, I mean 😉 )

 

  

5- Crowning glory – Loose and Boots

And the finale – One swift stroke changes you from Behenji to Hot Babe. And that is: Hair.You gotta leave it loose. Look at our tinsel town stars!

To prove my point, take a look at the foll. ‘stars’:-

1) Rani Aunty

2) Ash Didi

3) Asin Behenji

rani aunty     ash didi    asin

Now, look at the transformation! Notice the Hairdo and the Solitaire!! SEE!

1) Ash hottie                                    2) Asin coolie…oops…I just meant COOL-ie 🙂

     ash hottie                                               asin2

(Apologies for not being able to locate a picture of a hot Rani, guess even WWW is bored of her!)

(Pics courtesy desihits dot com)

Even if you look like crap, atleast you can ‘assume’ you look good! If you really want, you could probably keep the hair off your face with those oversized glasses. But the most important thing is, (seemingly) unruly (but carefully crafted) strands of hair, must keep falling about your face, even at the risk of you looking like that poodle! And, you just HAVE to remember, to keep adjusting your hair, and pushing those strands away from your eyes, and behind your ears, to let that solitaire sparkle the wits out of the person in front of you!

boots1Shoes, ofcourse, are very crucial in deciding the look. So, if you go for the Tight-Tees cum Smart Jacket, then opt for snazzy boots with a little feminine frill, perhaps? peeptoeIf its the crisp cottons, then choose smart shoes/sandals. Sandals, again, must either fully cover your feet, OR a delicate peep-toe.

 

 

So, lovely girls, go and get that haeeeep look and tell me how it goes.

Will try it out myself too, if its a success 😉