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Humour Incidents

H1 eNi 1?

I spent the last couple of days agonising over whether or not I had the H1N1 virus.

It started with a short visit to the Post Office. The sun happened to peep out from under its covers on Wednesday, and so I strapped the (protesting) little one into his buggy and went out. Little did I know how deceptive the sunshine was. The outside temperature was a mere 4 degrees!

So, by nightfall, I felt drained and feverish. Thursday went by in pretty much the same vein. By Friday, unfortunately, I felt worse. It was the nausea that prompted me to take the online swine flu symptoms checker. It advised me to go get my dose of Tamiflu!

I was quite crestfallen. But, I wasn’t convinced.

Until finally, it was this phone call with the flu service helpline that set all doubts aside.

Nurse: Are you normally active?

Me: Active? You mean, like doing active stuff? Ummm..! Hmm..! (finally) Yeah, somewhat. (Here, I was tempted to say ‘I surf’ (the net, dude!!) but sanity prevailed.)

Nurse: Do you have Diarrhoea?

Me: My tummy feels rather queasy today. Like I want to throw up.

Nurse: Awwwww, that’s really sad.

Much as I hate to digress, I absolutely must admire their scripts… they are so completely humane, unlike the scripts of our Indian call centres… which typically go ‘How may I help you? Interested in our Insurance product? No, Ok thank you. Can I do anything else?’ and SLAM the phone down before the person on the other line can blink his teary eyes!)

Anyway, she continues: Avoid eating fried things, or anything that could upset your stomach further.

Me: I didn’t have any fried stuff! (It was all baked or so. A packet of chilli chips, 3 Ferroro-rochers…)

Nurse (kindly ignores latter half of reply): Ok, but its alright if you don’t feel like eating anything.

Me (very emphatically!): No no, I DO feel like eating. Infact I’m hungry right now!

Nurse: (Persists very kindly): No, I completely understand, you probably just feel like having a bite of toast…

Me (thinking to myself): (What about the yummy Pav-Bhaji that I have just made?): ‘Ok’

Nurse: You must be quite dehydrated, due to the fever. You may have crushed ice.

Me: Sure (reflecting on my wise decision to gobble those mini-chocolate-ice-cones post lunch)

Nurse: Does your mind feel confused or so?

Me: Coming to think of it, YES! For instance, I was watching B4U Music yesterday, and I couldn’t remember this guy’s name… for the love of life, he is one helluva hunk, but the name completely slipped by me…

Nurse: And?

Me: (thinking of the Sarda* who laughs on Wednesday, for a joke that he heard the previous Monday) ‘It was Arjun Rampal’

Nurse (not impressed any longer with such frivolity): ‘So, I cannot confirm now, if you have a seasonal flu or swine flu’(Wow! What a revelation!!) ‘But if your symptoms take a turn for the worse, contact the swine flu helpline’

Me: Brrrr….

Nurse: And remember…

Me: (gasping again, thinking she is going to comment on my (non) diet and (non) exercise routine): ‘Yes?’

Nurse: ‘That you are not alone.. we are here 24 hours a day’

Me: How kind! (Right, 24 hours on a darn telephone line! How the hell does that help me or anyone else??)

Anyway, I am feeling better now. The aches and pains have gone, the fever resurfaces now and again, and I am certainly not as ‘active’ as before. But yeah, I’m kicking!!!!!

(P.S 1: Some of the above are fictional.. like the 3 ferroro-rochers & ice-creams .. it was, in fact, merely one!!)

(P.S 2: On a serious note, sickness is not a nice thing at all! When bones shiver, eyes ache, and the tummy feels like its on a roller coaster ride, it feels very weird. So, people, if you are coming down with the flu, watch out for the symptoms, and if they take a turn for the worse, go see a proper Doctor!)

Moral of the story: Live life well, and live it today!!